It's All Ogre Now
by OnionGirl666
Summary: Thanos and Shrek are in love... But everything is not what it seems. Crackhead oneshot with a plot that was born during a mental breakdown. Thanos x Shrek, Steve x Bucky (Stucky), Donkey x Puss In Boots, Gingy x Three Blind Mice


Thanos kissed his lover awake as the sun rose on Titan.

"Buenos días, mi amor (Good morning, my love)." He said as he caressed Shrek's cheek. Shrek blearily opened his eyes, lovingly looking at his eggplant colored lover. He leaned forward and kissed his partner, his breath smelling like onions.

"Good mornin, love." Shrek said, wishing Thanos could understand him. He rolled out of bed and pulled on his usual daytime attire- leggings, soft leather moccasins, a burlap top, a vest, and a belt. On the other side of the bed, Thanos put on his armor, ready to go about his day. The couple walked down the stairs to where their roommate and translator, Donkey, was already cooking breakfast.

"Buenos días, Thanos (Good morning, Thanos). Good morning, Shrek." Donkey said as he scooped porridge into wooden bowls. He topped one with raw onions, one with spudniks, and his with fruit. As they sat down and ate, the couple spoke to each other, Donkey translating for them. As Shrek left to see his half brother and Thanos went to see his daughters, Donkey went over to his lover, Puss In Boots', house.

"I wish we could live together but those big oafs won't let me!" Donkey exclaimed angrily to the orange cat. "I have a plan. And I know you'll love it."

As he explained his devious plan to Puss, the cat got a gleam in his eye and started to polish his swords. "Zey will regret ze day zey were ever born, mi amour!" Puss purred.

Over on Earth, Shrek was sparring with his half brother. As their battle drew to a close, he watched as his brother shifted back to being human. Bruce Banner was the son of a human man and a female ogre, while both of Shrek's parents were ogres. Or so the half siblings were told. Shrek was an Avenger, one of Earth's mightiest heroes, and so was the Hulk, his half brother's green alter-ego. As he caught his breath, he wondered how his partner was doing.

Thanos angrily stormed away from his ungrateful daughters, Gamora and Nebula, as they were once again causing problems for him. He'd have to show Nebula who was boss later. That would be punishment for both of them. But first, he was going to go home to his green-skinned lover for the night and enjoy his company.

When he got home, he found Shrek in the kitchen cooking dinner. Onion soup and roasted spudniks, their favorite dishes.

"¡Esta cena se ve deliciosa, mi amor (This dinner looks delicious, my love)!" Thanos said, eying both the dinner and his lover hungrily. Shrek looked to Donkey, who translated with a roll of his eyes. "Thank you, Thanny. Let's dig in." Shrek said with a smirk. Donkey offered to go get drinks. In the kitchen, he quietly emptied the contents of two pills into their drinks. He delivered them with a grin and went back to get his own, looking forward to what would happen later.

Donkey watched from the shadows as the couple passed out on their beds later on, and knew that he could finally do what he needed. He trotted to the front door where he let Puss in. "It's time." Donkey said as Puss drew his blades. Donkey wished he could slit their throats himself but he couldn't hold a sword with his hooves. He felt better knowing that he contributed by drugging them, as they were too powerful to kill without the drugs. As they crept into the room to kill them, Gingy burst out of a small door in the wall and grew larger than Donkey and Puss. He was wearing a harness and collar, and they could see the Three Blind Mice angrily pointing some crops towards them. "Run, il mio amore!" Puss yelled to Donkey, but Gingy quickly grabbed them and threw them out of the window, sending them plummeting twenty feet into the darkness. Gingy saucily walked back to the Mice house and the door shut with a click.

"**********

The following days left Thanos and Shrek confused, as Donkey was gone without a warning. Their relationship grew strained as they couldn't communicate, and Shrek began to reminisce on his last relationship.

'Oh Fiona. I wish you were here, you would know what to do.' Shrek thought as he stared after Thanos as he stormed away from him angrily.

Fiona had left Shrek after she found out about his affair with Thanos. She had left him for Lord Farquaad, who she now lived with. He hadn't heard from her since.

He decided to stay home that day, and he spent the morning sleeping on the couch.

Shrek woke with a start as he heard the door open, and looked towards it with hope in his eyes, praying for it to be Thanos with an apology on his lips.

Instead, it was a tall man, with a broad chest and blonde hair.

'Captain America... I haven't met him while doing work with the Avengers yet.'

But as he rose to question the man as to why he was entering his house, he looked up and their eyes met.

Shrek crumpled to the ground, his height shrinking from his previous height of a towering eight feet to 5'9. His skin lightened from green to ivory and long dark brown hair grew from his head. He cried out as his head was assualted with memories of him being turned into an ogre by German villains and having his memories wiped before being dumped onto another planet.

Steve Rogers, or Captain America as he was known by most, watched in horror and then hope as he recognized the man morphing on the floor. He ran forward and scooped him into his arms, placing him on the couch to be more comfortable. "Bucky...?" He said unsurely as the man opened his blue eyes.

Recognition filled Bucky's eyes as he gazed into the baby blue eyes of Captain Rogers. "Steve...?" He said incredulously, a smile starting to spread on his face. "I can't believe it's you... I remember everything. I've been stuck as an ogre for so long... but you made me remember who I really am."

Bucky grabbed Steve's faced and kissed him passionately. They broke apart for air and smiled at each other shyly, gazing into each other's eyes as a thousand memories flashed through their heads. "You have no idea how long I've waited to do that." Bucky said with a smile.

Steve and Bucky traveled back to Earth after Bucky scribbled a note to Thanos. They spent the evening talking and laughing as they caught up.

Thanos walked into his house with a bouquet of shallots and chives, ready to apologize to Shrek. The house was silent, and the lights were all off. As he walked around and called for Shrek, he noticed a letter on the table. He picked it up, noticing it was in Spanish. 'That's odd... Shrek doesn't know Spanish.' He thought. The handwriting didn't look like Shrek's either.

'Te dejé por Steve Rogers, ya que no soy quien creías que era. Fui capturado por Hydra hace 70 años y sometido a numerosas pruebas. Cuando terminaron conmigo, me convirtieron en un ogro y borraron mis recuerdos, colocándome aquí donde me dijeron que era el medio hermano de un humano en la Tierra y criado con el estilo de vida ogro. Ser un ogro es lo que me mantuvo vivo todo el tiempo. Steve descubrió que estaba aquí por algunos viejos archivos de Hydra y vino a salvarme. Ahora estoy de vuelta a mi forma legítima, Bucky Barnes, un humano. Steve y yo estamos enamorados y no volveré. -Bucky, anteriormente conocido como Shrek'

('I have left you for Steve Rogers, as I'm not who you thought I was. I was captured by Hydra 70 years ago and put under numerous tests. When they were done with me, they turned me into an ogre and wiped my memories, placing me here where I was told I was the half brother of a human on Earth and raised with the ogre lifestyle. Being an ogre is what kept me alive all the time. Steve found out I was here from some old Hydra files and came to save me. I am now back to my rightful form, Bucky Barnes, a human. Steve and I are in love and I will not be coming back. -Bucky, previously known as Shrek')

Thanks ripped the letter in two, and proceeded to tear his house apart in his rage.

"¿Cómo se atreve? Conseguiré mi venganza (How dare he? I will get my revenge)." He spat, an ugly look twisting his purple face. Nothing was going to stop him.

Several years later, Bucky stared up into the face of his ex-lover as a battle raged around him on the land of Wakanda. Thanos grabbed him by the neck, looking him in the eyes.

"¿Realmente pensaste que podías escapar? Qué tonta eres. Ahora tú y todos los que amas pagarán el precio... la humanidad pagará el precio. Espero que seas feliz (You really thought you could get away? How foolish of you. Now you and everyone you love will pay the price... humanity will pay the price. I hope you're happy)." He said, an ugly smile spreading across his face. He threw Bucky down onto the ground as he put his hand into his Infinity Gauntlet. "Todos estos años he estado reuniendo y preparándome, preparándome para este día. He esperado mucho tiempo para esto (All these years I have been gathering and preparing, readying myself for this day. I have waited a very long time for this)." He spat. It was time.

And as everything went dark, Bucky heard him say.

"Después de todo... Yo soy inevitable."

I apologize for the abomination that I wrote.


End file.
